雅思大作文6.5分范文分析-换不换工作

　　雅思大作文6.5分范文分析-换不换工作，当遇到这样的题目应该怎么写呢？从哪部分入手分数会比较高呢？本文我们就来看看范文是怎么写的吧，希望对大家的雅思写作备考能够有帮助！

　　写作提分的第一步，是了解目标分数对应的评分标准要求。本期，搬运国外雅思学习网站ieltpodcast范文分析过来，通过逐句分析范文在TR、CC、LR、GRA的表现，帮助大家理解评分标准，了解现有水平与目标分数的差距，明确努力方向。以下范文为6.5分，大家应学习批改意见，积累话题ideas和topic vocabulary，目标7+考生尤其要注意learn from mistakes，如果你也有文中指出的各种问题，那么发现并避免它们，就是提分的突破口。

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　　这道也是2020年2月出现在其他考区的G类笔试真题。

　　字体颜色与评分标准对应关系：桔色-TR、蓝色-CC、紫色-LR、绿色-GRA

　　题目：Some people believe that employees should stay in the same job for the rest of their lives. Others think they should switch jobs at least once during their career. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

　　正文：Recently majority of individuals has become more aware (用recently和majority of individuals改述不够自然，可以用These days...most young people...)of what university program they have to pursue, in order to launch a great career that will lead them to acquire a high salary in the future and that will achieve the life (准确使用了固定搭配pursue a course of study, launch a career) that they have been dreaming for (搭配错误，应该是dream of sth). However, staying in one company or running just one business it (句子结构错误，应去掉it) must be changeable in this century, to make people life (people's lives) more interesting and stimulating. yet, a small numbers of people believes that working at the same job from the beginning until the end of their life its (句子结构错误，去掉its，用is) better than working in a different spots with different skills from while to while (应该是from time to time). In contrast (连接词使用恰当), other folks (这个词不适合用于正式写作) thinks its crucial to make alterations and changes in your life positions. However, in this essay I will analyze both sides of the argument before presenting my opinion (扣题不错，改写题目并概括全文).

　　译文（修改后）：现在多数年轻人都更明确自己在大学里要学什么，从而为以后找到一个高薪的工作过上自己想要的生活做好准备。但是在这个时代，要想生活更新鲜有趣，一直在一个公司或从事一种行业的现象必须改变。但是，一些人认为一辈子做一个工作比总是在不同的地方工作要好。相反，其他人觉得变化很重要。本文将分析双方观点并给出自己的意见。

　　补充：这道题的背景句稍微复杂一些，开头段的改述篇幅可以略长，但上述写法的铺垫过多，不够简洁，观点句也可以更明确。

　　firstly, Some people thinks (大写、主谓一致，语法错误) that it is good for the employees to continue working for their current employer throughout their life extension (这个表达很奇怪，应该是their working lives或their careers) / (论点扣题). nevertheless (连接词使用不当), being in a stable career for a long period will boost the employer skills and qualifications that will lead to a convenient life. A prime example of that (用这个短语来引出例子很好) / (举例论述很好) will be a study by the Harvard university that indicates 50 percent of the American professional (这里应该用复数) who have been working in the same job for over 20 years (准确使用了从句和现在完成进行时) have superior salary package (应该用复数) and great senior positions.

　　译文（修改后）：首先，一些人认为一辈子都为现在的雇主工作对雇员是好的。长期稳定的职业生涯能提升雇员的能力和资历并带来方便的生活。一个很好的例子就是哈佛大学的研究表明50%的从事同一个工作20年以上的美国专业人士有着很好的收入和高级职位。

　　补充：这个段落的突出优点是话题词汇丰富准确，用不同方式替换了题目中的关键词，例如题中的stay in the same job for the rest of their lives，被替换成了continue working for their current employer throughout thier careers, being in a stable career for a long period, have been working in the same job for over 20 years等，对论点中提到的“good for employees”也用恰当的短语搭配进行了解释，如boost skills and qualifications, have superior salary packages, senior positions. 目标7+考生还可以学习用a prime example of that代替常用的for example.

　　Secondly, on the contrary (引出论点方式恰当), other folks believes that altering your job consider as a life changing to extend (句子意思不清晰) the numerous opportunities toacquire loads of new skills (acquire skills是正确的搭配，但loads of不适合用于写作), new friends ties and new different job locations which will lead you to travel around the country or the world. To illustrate, recent world bank studies showed that (这种引出例子的方式很好) 44% of the workers who have been switching their position have a significant health (这个表达不自然，应该用are in good health或have few health issues)according to the yearly medical surveys. Foretheremore, companies prefer the independent employer who has the courage to obtain skills which they need from his own experience via communicating and involving in a major operations and meeting others who are in a high position to gain the knowledge and the experience that they had (furthermore拼写错误，句子不连贯).

　　译文（修改后）：其次，其他人觉得换工作可以掌握更多新技能，交到更多新朋友，不同的工作地点也可以让人在全国甚至世界各地旅行。最近世界银行的研究表明，从年度医疗调研来看，44%的一直换工作的员工健康状况很好。而且，企业更青睐那些有勇气通过参与重要项目和认识高职位者来学习知识和经验的有独立性的员工。　　

　　补充：这一段没有语法错误，但TR和CC问题较大。该段的第一个idea是“换工作让人们学习新技能，认识新朋友，让人们去很多地方”，但后面的例子是“换工作的人健康状况更好”，上下文之间缺乏逻辑连接。第二个idea由于句子太长以及可能的用词错误而让人难以理解到底想说什么。建议大家写作时一定要做好plan，整理好ideas之间的关系再下笔。

　　To recapitulate (语言组织恰当), working in one place for a long time is not an enormous problem but for a better and entertainment (entertainment是名词，这里应该用enjoyable或rewarding) life, people should spend their career life by feeling satisfiedwhich will be with tempt a new experience (不够连贯) from while to while. however, I Personally (大小写错误) believe that navigate (词性错误)from a place to another is suitable for everyone and should everybody to try (everyone should try) different things not only about career life.

　　译文（修改后）：总之，在一个地方工作很长时间不是个问题，但是如果想要更好和更有意思的生活，人们应该尝试新的体验。我个人认为每个人都适合换工作并尝试不同的东西。

　　补充：结尾段和开头段一样，应简洁准确，以上段落错误较多，目标7+考生要注意避免。

　　小结：这篇范文没上7的原因是TR、CC、LR各方面都有问题，其中LR的问题最突出，有很多用词不准确甚至错误。目标7+考生一定要确保自己使用的是地道的英语表达。尽管如此，这篇作文的有些表达仍值得借鉴，大家可以结合批改中的肯定意见，学习话题词汇和常用固定表达。